I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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