Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Randomize
