At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
