What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
