We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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