My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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