I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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