My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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