you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
