Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
