i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
