there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
