Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
no, he came in my armpit
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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