The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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