He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
