broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
