U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
