I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
