I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
