I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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