Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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