So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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