Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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