I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
