even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
