Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
