Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
