Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I didn't notice because vodka
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
