Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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