I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
