people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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