Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
