I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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