Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Boobs are out for the taking
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
