last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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