i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
