Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
