I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
