We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
