My room smells like vodka and shame
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
God, I missed his penis.
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