Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
