I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
