We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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