omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
