I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
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