I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
