I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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