Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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