my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
