Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
