I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
