Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
