I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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