when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
