dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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