rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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