In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
