Don't you send me to vm
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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