Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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