Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
