Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
